Friend Breakups

Hello friends! It's been a long time since I've talked about a more personal topic, but the whole idea of "friend breakups" has been on my mind lately. I've had several friend breakups, but one sticks out in my mind that I would like to talk about and then offer some advice if any of you are going through the same thing.

The Breakup

My best friend and I were inseparable throughout high school, especially during my last two (and her middle two) years. We were in the same choirs and school shows, so most of our time was spent together; we would get ready for shows at my house, she would come over for dinner if her parents were working late, and we considered each other sisters.

When I graduated, I was terrified that we wouldn't be friends anymore, because I knew (maybe subconsciously at that point) that she wouldn't just pick up her phone and call or text me, and I felt bad bothering her because I knew how busy she would be, and I knew if I ever needed her, my problems wouldn't be relatable because she wouldn't have had experienced them. I was right. I can count on one hand the conversations we had that first semester I was away, and they were all revolving around her needing something from me.

That Christmas, I posted a picture of my cousins and me at a family party, and she commented with "I see how it is". A week later, she went on a school trip, and texted me for the first time in months because she couldn't stand living with her roommate and I was her only option who was removed completely from the situation. She came home, and about a month later, she texted me and that sent me into a panic attack, and I decided enough was enough. I was tired of giving and never receiving, and the thought of her sending me into panic attacks was the last straw for me. I blocked her number and deleted her on all my social media.

And then summer came, and I bumped into her at a hair salon. I was so panicked I couldn't form sentences, which probably should've been the first clue to her that I wasn't okay, and I was trembling as she hugged me and I was trying to catch my breath. She asked me why I wasn't answering her texts, and I made up some lie about my phone being broken. I quickly ran back to my stylist's chair and came back down to normal, but not before she told me to call her. I haven't spoken to her or seen her since, but just the thought of her or people I associate with her sends me panicking still.

Yesterday I came across a letter she wrote me for my graduation, where she said how much I mattered to her, how much I had done for her, made her feel heard and like she belonged in this world and what true friendship was. Part of me found a little bit of closure in that letter, but part of me was still angry and scared and wanted to rip that letter to shreds. It's comforting to know that, at least for a period of time, I was that important to her, but looking back, I don't know that I ever felt the same way. Our friendship was very much a one-way street; I gave everything I had and never got anything in return, never got any of the things she said I gave her. I hate that I spent so much time being naïve and blind, but I guess I spent so much of my life without real friends that I thought I found one and just went with it.

So after all that thinking, I logged out of my Twitter and searched her name (I blocked her so that's how I had to find her again) to see of she ever said anything about me. The most recent tweets were along the lines of "people need to stop saying they'll always be there if they're not going to be" and "still waiting for the call that never came" - the call that I never made after that day at the hair salon. I first thought "Whoa, what weird connected timing." and then, stupidly, I felt guilty. I have no reason to feel guilty about this whole situation, and I know that, but sometimes I have a hard time accepting it. I gave all I had and finally quit when I had no more to give. I have battles going on right now that, if she knew, might make her realize that I have good reason for cutting myself out of her life.

I'm still accepting the fact that I called it off, but I called it of for me, not because I wanted to hurt her or teach her a lesson. I needed to get out before I was drowning in a toxic relationship, and I'm glad I did. I don't know where I would be if I didn't.

My Advice

1. Know when it's time to fight or fly - If you know that, in the grand scheme of things,
    whatever's going on can be resolved, fight for it. If you're finding yourself living in
    fear or panic and in a circle of someone's repeated behavior that is harmful to you, I
    think it's time to call it quits.
2. Do what's best for you - Even if it may hurt the other person, do what you need to do
    for your own health and well-being. If you're going to be happier without them in your
    life, then you need to cut them out. Time will heal you both.
3. Looking back is okay, spying is not - Like me with the letter, sometimes looking back
    on your friendship can be helpful in the healing process. You may find something that
    gives you a bit of closure or brings back a happy memory that helps ease the negative
    image of them in your mind. What's not okay is what I did with Twitter - finding them,
    despite the precautions you took to protect yourself, even just to "check" on them. I
    did this, and it wasn't good for me. It left me feeling guilty and I now feel like I took
    a few steps back on my path of healing from this breakup.
4. Don't live in regret - You did this for you, and you need to remember that. You have to
    be selfish sometimes, and in this situation, being selfish is your only option. You can't
    feel bad about calling it off, or think about the what ifs, because that's only going to
    drag you down.
5. Don't relapse - I had a moment yesterday where I thought of unblocking her number,
    just to see of anything would happen, but I didn't. I know what that would do to me: it
    would bring back the anxiety, the living in fear, and it would drain me all over again.
    Toxic people are like drugs; you may think that just one more text or one more look
    through their Twitter feed won't hurt you, but soon enough, you're addicted again and
    all the progress you've made is lost. You can't let yourself go back. It may not hurt you
    at first, but it always has the potential to destroy you.

I'm sorry for the negative post, but I need to get this out there, mainly for me, but I know it could also really help someone else. If you have any questions, advice for people in a similar situation, or are needing more specific advice, please leave a comment below. As always, please be kind and respectful.

I wish you all the best,
Erin